As I set myself down to write this post that's long overdue, Bon Iver and a light rain set a somber tone. There's not much to be somber about though, seeing as I'm surrounded by the best friends i could have asked for, and just finished a show that turned out to be far better than I had anticipated.
The somber tone remains even still.
Maybe it's the realization that I'm becoming an adult. I filed my taxes the other day. It became a startling revelation that responsibilities that mean life or death are beginning to eclipse child-like optimism and ambition. Slowly (very slowly), I'm beginning to become more independent. My time is becoming my own, when it's not filled with work or college.
Maybe it's the fact that college is has started up again after an immensely satisfying winter break.
Maybe it's both.
Maybe it's because I'm feeling lonely. What I said earlier about being surrounded by the best friends I could have asked for holds true, but they just feel so far away. Even after tech week and a weekend of shows, a time where community is at a high, I still felt separated from the ones I love. I feel as if I never see my friends anymore. And it's by no real fault of their own; my friends are notoriously busy. But I hardly see my own brother, my best friend, anymore, and we sleep with one wall between us.
I go to school alone. I don't know anyone in my classes. I take 40 minutes to drive to work, alone, and usually end up working a 6+ shifts alone in the drum department. Then I go out to lunch alone because the one person I'd usually like to go to lunch with has to cover the department while I'm gone. Then I drive home alone, and go to bed.
Yes. That's it. I feel alone.
Though I know I'm not, in fact most people would love to be in my position.
I can't shake the feeling nevertheless.
Radiohead's, "Creep" seems to strike a chord harder than ever before lately.
But it'll get better.
It always does.
"I remember you were conflicted, misusing your influence. Sometimes I did the same, abusing my power full of resentment. Resentment that turned into a deep depression. I found myself screaming in the hotel room. I didn't want to self-destruct. The evils of Luci was all around me, so I went running for answers."
~ Kendrick Lamar
If you're reading this, I appreciate you. After such a long hiatus (8 months and 10 days), I've decided to finally return and continue to author The Blackboard Journal.
Thank you.
