Solace (07/2016, 11:00PM)

The pages in which I write these words have such a dense grain that it's quite the challenge to assume mitosis with the ideas I've scribbled upon them. I work to make each line and each phrase palpable, worthwhile. While I feel like I've achieved this so far with modest success, I can't help but fear my personal ambition and steps toward credibility fall short due to a lack of compelling ideas. 

I struggle to mold creations worth sharing. I'm beginning to forfeit belief in myself as I look back on a beautifully bound leather journal full of, what seems like, mediocre ideas. I've taken it upon myself to study the inspirations and works of a certain writer and performer who's been in the public eye for about a year now, I see much of myself in him. He speaks in a similar manner and cadence that I do; his positive outlooks seems a synonym to my own. He draws from his influences and cites them as frequently as I cite my own. The key difference is his current standing. 

He has access to the people and things he needs to make his ideas reality. I don't have access to the resources I need in order to make my dreams possible, nor do I know that to be looking for or why I'm looking for them. I don't know the steps I should be taking. The only thing I can think to do is just go to college and maybe it'll work itself out there. 

I'm frustrated. I feel as if I'm building a house, and the foundation is sand. The house is nice, and it is very capable of serving a family and any of their needs, but it doesn't matter because no mater what, the foundation will let it slide into the sea. 

I need creative solace.

I need inspiration. I didn't grow up in a tough environment. My parents are happily married and are the best anyone could ask for. My family is unbelievably close. I don't have enemies many enemies. I haven't been struck with severe tragedy. I'm white. I'm straight. I'm a Christian. My problems don't seem to matter in the grand scheme of things. If I wanted to pay homage to the rap/hip-hop artists I've studied, I'd be brushed aside as a white boy trying to be thug. If I pursue the genre I want to, I'd be swept under the rug as another Ed Sheehan/John Mayer rip-off (both of which happen to have heavily influenced me). 

I want the words to say, and I want to discover the middle step where creativity/talent/content meets success. I want my words to mean something, but these are nothing more than just a stream of consciousness. 

I fear that my personal contribution to the world of the arts will most likely mean nothing. 

I fear that the talents and ambitions the Lord has blessed me with will end up wasted.

I fear my ambition.

I fear my desires of success and credibility that I've dreamed of, and how, most likely, I will achieve neither. 

I fear the creations I will breathe life into and the fact that they will most likely matter to no one. 

I long to create a meaning for myself that others can subscribe to and understand in the way I understand the art of others I've discovered. 

I.

i.

It's my vain wish. I wish to leave my impact on the masses. A positive impact on the masses. I want the works I create, and portray, and influence to be that of love and understanding. I want a legacy. My mind is hung up on if that's vain, sinful, or just an incorrect dream. I wonder frequently if that is what the Lord has in store for me. I can never seem to find the answer. I know that means to wait, and see, but I've struggled with this for long, and I'm sick of waiting. 

I just want to know. 

I long for the understanding of my future.

He says ask and you shall receive, then here is what I ask. 

I ask for the influence, artistic abilities, and prospects I've dreamed of in the dreams you've placed within me.

I ask that in those times you hold me close to you, and you fill me with the wisdom and strength required to be the kind of influence you tell us, as your followers, to be.

I need this creative solace.

Lord, I ask for your creative solace.

I ask for my dreams.

~JM